


Andrew Is Home

by IKnowWhoYouAre_Damianos



Series: Time In A Bottle [3]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Character Death, F/F, F/M, Funeral, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Neil and Andrew are gone, Nicky understands, Noah asked for this, Post-Canon, Suicide, Suicide Notes, so don't blame me, this is so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-16 01:09:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17539823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IKnowWhoYouAre_Damianos/pseuds/IKnowWhoYouAre_Damianos
Summary: The Foxes gather to bid Andrew goodbye. Nicky tries to understand it all and in the end, he does.





	Andrew Is Home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Noah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noah/gifts).



> So I don't know how this came to me because this is just another heartbreaking chapter.
> 
> Noah asked in the comments: "would you consider writing the foxes' reactions when they find out? i love crying"
> 
> I considered writing a "funeral" scene. So please, be prepared, this is sad!
> 
> If you want to talk about this, hmu on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/iknowwhoyouaredamianos) Talk to me if you feel like you need someone right now!
> 
> WARNING: If you feel suicidal, please seek professional help or call one of the many Suicide Prevention Hotlines in your country!

Nicky had known it. He had known that the cat had been the last thing that’d connected Andrew to the present. Maybe he had been too sad himself about the loss of King. Had he been missing a sign? Could he have helped him? Maybe, if he had stayed the night -

“Babe?” Erik said softly and wrapped his arms around Nicky’s waist, nuzzling his neck and holding him tight. “Stop blaming yourself. It isn’t your fault; it is nobody’s fault.”

Nicky tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but his eyes were already brimming with tears again, slowly rolling down his cheeks as he turned around and buried his face in Eriks shoulder. “I’m-,” he sobbed, feeling like he was about to suffocate any moment, “it hurts, Erik, it hurts so much that I feel like my heart is broken.”

“Shh, I know, babe, I know.” 

Nicky knew that it wasn’t any easier for Erik, but all he had felt within the last four days was a pain he’d never felt before. His parents forcing him into conversion therapy, neglecting him for his sexuality, hearing what Aaron had been going through, seeing what Andrew had been going through, losing Neil - it all had hurt, but nothing had hurt as much as standing in Neil’s and Andrew’s empty house, two sets of keys and a set of letters on the sideboard by the door.

Andrew was gone and Nicky hadn’t sensed it, hadn’t seen it coming, had left him alone although he had wanted to stay, had wanted to tell Drew that there was more for him than just living on promises. He had wanted to tell him that he still had his family. Even Aaron had talked to Nicky after King had been euthanized, telling him that he was worried. And yet, Nicky had left him alone - alone to his thoughts. 

He wanted to hate Andrew for doing this to him, knew that Aaron wanted to do the same. When Renee had called Aaron to tell him that Andrew was gone, he had punched the wall so hard that his fist had cracked. He hadn’t been to the house once since he’d gotten the message and Nicky couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t hate - it was pain.

“Let’s go, we have a long drive tomorrow,” Erik mumbled, gently brushing a strand of hair out of Nicky’s puffy face. Nicky just nodded tiredly, grabbed the keys and the framed wedding photograph and left the house behind in its vacuum of memories.

~~~~~~

Nicky tried to fall asleep - something he barely had problems with since Erik was by his side all the time - but tonight sleep wouldn’t come over him. He slipped out from under the sheets and trotted into the living room, switching on the light on the end table. 

Andrew had always liked the armchair by the sofa, never saying it and yet showing it in the way he had fallen asleep in it, even more often since he hadn’t liked to be all alone in the house when Neil had passed away. It was somehow comforting - sitting in his cousin’s favourite place with the comforter tucked up under his chin. 

The letter on the end table had burned itself into Nicky’s memory. He had read it at least twenty times in the last four days, trying to not only read the words, but to understand them. He unfolded it once more and let his eyes flick over the familiar handwriting, tracing the shaky lines of the advisedly chosen words.

_ Nicky, _

_ you know I’ve never been good at this - at words - but you deserve this because I know how fucking sentimental you are and I know that you’re reading this and blaming yourself for what happened.  _

_ You might be thinking that you failed once more, but you know I’m not a liar like Josten, so… you never failed, Nicky.  _

_ All of this isn’t your fault and you couldn’t have done anything to prevent this. _

_ Aaron might hate me right now, but I guess a Happy End never suited us. I never could bring myself to thank you for what you’ve done for Aaron and me and now that I’m leaving you deserve to at least read it. Even if I might have never showed it in the way others do, I know that all I had - Exy,  Neil, a family - I had that because of you. You could have chosen the good life, lived with Erik in Germany and just be another relative not caring for two messed up teenagers, but you went out of your way to give us a family and you deserve to know that you haven’t done this for nothing.  _

_ You weren’t only family to me but also to Neil and even if none of you can understand my decision right now, you will be able to understand me one day even if Aaron won’t.  _

_ As I said, I’m not good at words and telling you I’m going home would be just a lie because I know that after this there will be nothing, but there had been nothing since he left anyway.  _

_ I guess I’m still not as smart as I thought I was because I thought this would be easy - going when I lived up to my last promise to this stupid smart mouth - but it isn’t. Yet, staying wouldn’t either. _

_ If anyone deserves to hear this, then it’s you and Josten would give a smile, showing his stupid dimples, but Nicky: Thank you, you were amazing. _

_ I was raised in California. What irony that this is where I’ll die.  _

_ I’m sorry, for everything.  _

_ Andrew _

No matter how often he read the lines, he still couldn’t understand them. He’d never demanded acknowledgements let alone an apology, not for helping these two children who had to go through hell most of their lives. Andrew apologizing or thanking him felt wrong. 

He folded the letter neatly back and put it down onto the end table, his head bumping against the padded headrest. He thought he’d do it all over again if he could as the soft fabric soaked up another stream of tears.

~~~~~~

Seeing all the other foxes usually promised a good time, but this was the second time they’d come together for the saddest day in Nicky’s life. Losing Neil had been painful because Nicky had loved him like a brother, but losing Andrew - the man he’d fought for all his life, who’d protected him and whom he’d protected - was so painful that Nicky had no words to describe it.

Allison had rented a huge house for all of them and when Nicky entered, it was too much. It reminded him too much of his vacations with the two men on his side who were now gone for good. Without Erik - he was sure - he wouldn’t be able to stand this.

Dan and Matt had arrived with Renee and Allison; Nicky and Erik with Aaron and Katelyn. The whole drive had been filled with nothing but anger, grief and a tense silence so Nicky appreciated the commotion in the house, sign of liveliness and that he hadn’t to go through this alone. 

Even Coach and Abby had come along with Kevin and Thea. And Bee - Bee for sure was watching from the bleachers. She had walked this road some time ago.

No one wanted to talk; only Renee made her round and offered comfort and a shoulder to lean on. Nicky even went to the chapel behind the house with her, praying in silence even if Andrew would have hated this. It helped.

~~~~~~

In the evening, they all drove out to the place where Andrew’s maserati had bursted through the rail. The wooden poles were the only sign that someone had ended his life here only a few days ago, since the ocean was almost eerily calm today, the sun setting into it and painting it all red as if all of Andrew’s blood seeped up to the surface.

Nicky grabbed Erik’s hand, never letting go as his whole body trembled, not being able to stop his sobbing and Erik’s hand trembled, too. Matt and Dan comforted each other and Allison walked with Renee to the edge of the cliff, looking down as if Andrew would still cling to a rock right beneath them, climbing up into their middle. Katelyn followed them and sat down on the ground, trying to process what had happened. Wymack and Abby stood by each other, their gaze pinned onto the sea and Wymack’s arm across Kevin’s shaking frame.

Renee had set up the wedding pic of Drew and Neil on a rock by the edge, letting them all be together one last time.

Only Aaron stayed away. Nicky knew that Aaron had always fought with himself when he found out that Andrew was gay because he always had been afraid that maybe he had to be gay, too. Maybe now he was afraid that he would end like his twin, in a car wreck on the bottom of the deep blue sea.

When the sun was almost completely swallowed by the ocean, everyone threw their wreaths of flowers into the ocean, each one saying their own personal goodbye. It was Renee - again - who raised her voice to speak, even if it cracked from time to time:

“I know Andrew - like the most of you - never felt a connection to a higher entity.” 

Nicky could see a tired smile wash over Dan’s and Matt’s face, seeing how much they knew that Andrew would absolutely hate this. But when did hate ever meant that he hated?

“And yet I know that some of us find hold in the anticipation of seeing their loved ones again. Ecclesiastes wrote

‘To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 

A time to be born, and a time to die; 

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 

A time to kill, and a time to heal; 

a time to break down, and a time to build up; 

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 

a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; 

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 

A time to get, and a time to lose; 

a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 

A time to rend, and a time to sew; 

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 

A time to love, and a time to hate; 

a time of war, and a time of peace.’

Andrew and Neil had lived the worst and the best of lives and each part had its time. Each phase had formed them, had made them to the persons we love and miss so utterly today. They both had found a reason to live in each other, even if it was Andrew who needed Neil more than anything else in the end. He didn’t leave us behind because we didn’t mean a thing to him. Andrew loved us but in the end it was love that took him away, away from us, but for him… it was home. Andrew’s home.” 

Allison patted her eyes dry, not the only Fox crying bitterly. Next was Wymack, who told some old stories about Neil and Andrew and how he never thought that he’d live long enough for this but that he knew that Andrew wouldn’t spare him this. Most of the other Foxes couldn’t bring themselves to say something, the evening slowly drifting into the darkness of the night.

Matt walked over to their picture, raising a glass of whiskey Kevin had brought before turning back to the others, saying “ You know that I’m the worst at speeches and in the end it’s much too sappy and I know that I should say something personal, but when Neil passed it was the hardest and now it’s Andrew-” 

Matt swallowed, a tear rolling down his cheek and his lips trembling as he continued “now it’s Andrew and we had times where we hated each other, but in the end I loved this brat with all my heart.” He couldn’t contain himself any longer, breaking out into a full sob and Nicky didn’t know if it was Matt’s words or grief or just seeing Matt so devastated that made all of them sob as well. And even if Aaron was a lot like Andrew, even he pressed the heel of his hands into his eyes right now.

“Andrew loved reading books and I know that he would like this and- I just read this.” Matt fumbled with a crumpled note, unfolding it to read aloud “After the clouds, the sunshine, after the winter, the spring, after the shower, the rainbow, for life is a changeable thing. After the night, the morning, bidding all darkness cease, after life’s cares and sorrows, the comfort and sweetness of peace. This is by Helen Rice and I don’t know where you are now, Drew, but I hope that all you have now is peace. And if you’re up there with Neil, give him a big buddy hug and tell him- tell him that we miss him so much.” Another bitter sob left his throat as he crashed into Dan’s arms, holding her tight as he let his pain out.

When all light was gone, each one of them took their time to say goodbye one last time. Nicky was the last one to say something and no one knew if he could do this. Nicky had been the quietest he’d ever been over the last days, trying to cope with all the pain that filled his chest. 

He thanked Andrew for all he had done for him and for his time and company, told some stories about their first time living together and how he was happy that Andrew was gay because he hadn’t been the only black sheep in this family that was full of black sheeps anyway. 

When he had almost no tears left to cry and a sore throat, he turned around to the ocean. “Drew, I know you loved Mark Twain, so here is one last Mark Twain for you and I’m sure this was in your eidetic memory anyway, but take this. 

‘Warm summer sun, shine kindly here; Warm southern wind, blow softly here; Green sod above, lie light, lie light; Good night, dear heart, good night, good night.’

Good night, Drew.” It was all he could bear before he faltered, sinking to the ground, weeping until Erik eventually led him to the car, all the others already waiting for them by the parking lot. All but one. All but Aaron. Katelyn nodded, letting the rest know that she’d watch him. Nicky knew that he’d do this in an Andrew way - alone, with himself.

That night, when Nicky slipped under the covers and listened to Erik’s soft snoring, it all became clear. Andrew hadn’t left behind his family and his home. All of this had left with Neil. Andrew had only followed. He was home now, he was home and Nicky fell asleep, understanding.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to talk about this, hmu on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/iknowwhoyouaredamianos) Talk to me if you feel like you need someone right now!
> 
> WARNING: If you feel suicidal, please seek professional help or call one of the many Suicide Prevention Hotlines in your country!


End file.
